Ask Roz!

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Q: It seems like I get stuck in the middle of every relationship. I am the mediator between my husband and the kids. I am the go-between with Mom and my sister. I even am supposed to be simultaneously at my parents and in-laws on holidays. HELP!

A: Maybe you were the Designated Rescuer in your growing-up family, the one who was expected to fix things, make people happy, be the peacekeeper.

It’s a frustrating role and sets you up to be the scapegoat when you don’t pull off a miracle and please everybody. (Which of course you can’t.) I’ve been a counselor and life strategist for a long time, and have found that there’s only one sure-fire fix for this predicament: Resign!

Tell the various parties to talk to each other, not to you or through you. This requires some guts on your part. You might get feedback such as, “You used to be sweet and helpful, and now you’re so selfish!” Your answer is, “Be that as it may, work out your problem directly with the other person. It’s your problem, not mine.” Where holiday time is concerned, state sweetly but firmly, “If I could clone myself, I would be both places at once, but I can’t, so what I’ve decided is_____.” And one option is None Of The Above: "This year we have decided to stay at home and have our own little holiday, just the (two, three, whatever) of us."

It's your turn. Resign as mediator! Let the others develop their own problem-solving chops. Otherwise you’re forever stuck in the middle, trying to please everybody or make them all get along.

Q: I'm married, and I heard that just flirting with another man is the same as cheating. I heard that "cyber sex" and other kinds of flirting are just as harmful as sleeping with someone else? Could that be true? I tend to be a flirt by nature, but I would never cheat on my husband.

A: Let's make a distinction between flirting, seductiveness, and cyber sex. Flirting is the twinkle and grin you give to someone, in person It's just playful and has no intent beyond that grin. Seductiveness is action that announces sexual intent, even enticement. Cyber sex is semi hard-core infidelity, in which you give to someone else (who is almost certainly misrepresenting himself, by the way) the kind of attention due a husband or lover.

Flirting is not the same as cheating. A flirtatious nature can be delightful, since mere flirting is innocent. Little girls and babies are world class at it. Personally, I flirt with old people, children, anybody who enjoys a mutual admiration exchange that doesn't have an unspoken come-on beneath it.

Cyber sex is a betrayal, and can lead to Internet addiction that has damaged or even destroyed many a relationship. I know ... I see it in my office all the time.

Bottom line? Twinkle and grin, but don't send out seduction signals, either in person or on the Internet.

Q: I'm afraid that I'm dating my father (not literally, of course). My new boyfriend acts like my father in many ways: he expects the woman to cater, to cook all the dinner, clean the house, and not argue. I know that many men are like this. Can I ask my boyfriend to change? Is that taking away his culture?

A: It's perfectly natural that you'd be attracted to a man like your father. Girls often are. The question is: are you going to let the child inside you choose a mate, or the adult you?

Sounds like you need first to get custody of yourself, take good care of yourself, meet your own needs and then choose from fullness, not neediness, not a desire to kiss the hem of someone's garment in order to be approved of.

Can you ask your boyfriend to change? Of course you can. Anyone can ask anyone anything. Is he likely to? Depends on his character and how firm you are in your insistence that you be treated as an equal.

I think a few months of counseling would do you a world of good in helping you choose how you want to live. You are the only person entitled to decide what you desire and deserve.